Pain

Pain

I am going to tell you my experience.  I realize that is all I have.  I tried to make an article of sweeping generalizations of pain and realized it has been at least 32 years since I would describe myself as having average pain.  I hope my experience with pain eventually makes me more empathetic and compassionate, but mostly right now I am awfully attached to it.

On a physical level pain is exhausting.  At any given day, on a scale of 1-10, my average is a 7.  If any of you have been to a hospital recently they have a smiley face chart that corresponds to a pain scale.  0 is happy face, 10 is crying,  7 is definitely frowning.   That frown also may indicate what my face would rather be doing.  But, here comes the other part of why pain is exhausting: I try not to let the pain dictate my mood.  It is a constant mind game to be as aware of my pain as I need to be to function, but not so aware of it that I take that pain out on other people in forms of impatience, snappishness, grumpiness, or sarcasm.  The best way I can describe my pain is this: take the day or two after a really good workout.  You know when your muscles have that nice ache-y burn when you know you have built awesome muscles because of anaerobic exercise.  Now add to that feeling, the flu.  That is what my muscles feel like 24-7, with no pay off of building muscle.  Only the fatigue, the fever like symptoms, and the ache that never goes away. 

So I manage the symptoms with the following therapies: non-narcotic drugs, exercise and sleep.  I have taken a variation of 2-10 medications and/or vitamins at a time.  For me, the family of anti-seizures drugs seem to work well enough that I haven't ventured too much into the anti-depressant family which work for other people. Over the last decade I have been able to use my swimming lessons to swim 20 minutes at a time for various amounts of distances, depending on the pain levels.  And, for the most part I have been able to sufficiently sleep well, which isn't always the case with chronic pain.  This year I am really trying to add to my therapy diet control as stomach pain is one of my complaining areas. 

It is hard to answer the question "how do you feel today"? as in compared to what? yesterday? in general? overall? cuz mostly, it is always-- I don't feel good.  In fact, it is hard not to answer with mom's favorite "S" swear word, because that is really most accurate.  But, what good does that answer do?  I try to hear in that question " I care about you, I am thinking about you and I love you" and yet, because I am so attached to my pain...I may either act annoyed you asked, or say "fine" and not mean it.  I apologize sincerely for this. 

Then I go about managing my world.  I live on the main level of an apartment complex because stairs KILL me.  I join a gym that has a hot tub, steam room and sauna because I LOVE them!  I haven't worn jeans in 20 years because they hurt my already hurting stomach (even before I was "this fat").  I make sure things that are on the "heavier to lift" category are at my height or below, i.e. laundry detergent, pots and pans.  I don't use step stools or ladders because if my muscles have a fatigue moment while I am on one, I want to avoid the consequences of falling.  I have routines and procedures for things like going to the gym, getting ready for the day, days of the week, because pain doesn't always allow for "what do I feel like doing" or worse it makes me forget what I have scheduled to be doing.  I don't/can't hurry.  I show up to family gatherings.  I don't show up to most church functions outside of the three hour block on Sunday.  I ask for help from Trav.  I am a work in progress.